Whiskey Rivers

October 15, 2016

I want to feel alive. I am so hungry. I need to find purpose and a deeper meaning to my life. This hunger keeps me locked inside of my own head. It’s complicated and it’s maddening. I need to harness this part of me so that I still get satisfaction out of life without this constant nagging feeling that there is something bigger out there. That’s a lot of pressure. How am I supposed to enjoy the day to day when I measure myself against people who have dedicated their lives to a deeper purpose? Jared jokes about me being a perfect candidate for a midlife crisis and he’s right. All of the ingredients are there. At this rate someday I am going to wake up and wonder at what the fuck I’ve done with my life. I’ll count down the years as I always do and realize I have too little left in terms of time and I’ll skyrocket into insanity. Hopefully it won’t be anything more than a boob job, ridiculous speed car and unlikely hobby like drumming. But anyone who knows me deep from the very beginning I was destined to run away to Africa, give up everything material in life and drink Tony Robbin’s Kool-aid (SOMEONE, ANYONE, DON’T LET ME DRINK HIS KOOL-AID!!!!) cause that’s the kind of person I am, that’s my midlife crisis and I’m on the fast track there if I can’t find a way to fill my bucket in a more reasonable way.

And here’s the crazy thing… there’s some real irony to who I am. My decisions have been driven by a deep seeded fear of financial instability. Yeah, that’s right. My whole heart can picture myself deep in mid-life crisis in some obscure part of Africa living a simple and selfless life, but my decisions are driven by money. And while I don’t think I’m really very materialistic (although, I got a bit lost in Calgary for a while keeping up with the Joneses… I think I’m coming back to myself again now), but this fear was rooted watching my parents fight over money constantly and my mother always commenting on what other people had and what we didn’t. I want to be happy without worrying about maintaining my financial freedom that I currently have, but it’s hard to shed something that has been a part of me since childhood. “Financial freedom” shackles me. I think it keeps me from being who I want to be. It’s preventing me from taking risks. It’s controlling my decisions. It’s blocking my dreams.

So I’m trying to rebuild myself. Like I said, I want to feel alive. So many days go by in a blur and dealing with depression means there’s a lot of grey and darkness. I’ve been thinking about things that have made me feel alive in the past. You know that feeling where you have the chills, adrenalin is pumping, you’ve got goosebumps,  and you have so much energy you want to run up and down your street and just scream with pure joy. By the way, I’ve done that. When I was 14. Picture lanky awkward me running up and down my tiny residential street with a maniac smile on my face probably singing or something like that… I wasn’t popular in school. I’ve always been a weirdo. But that feeling is awesome! Sometimes you’re walking on the line of sheer craziness and letting go is exhilarating.

There’s no rhyme or reason as to why my flip suddenly switches. I just want hold onto that feeling of being alive. Really alive. I want to build myself back into a healthy and happy human. I want to dig deep and find my authentic self. I want to practice mindfulness, gratitude, respect, patience and kindness. I want to let go of the fear of losing money, losing face in front of people I don’t even care about, and of pleasing any and all other people.

I’ve been taking little steps towards that. I deleted facebook. I know, that sounds so miniscule in the grand scheme of things but baby steps. Maybe someday I will cut out other things that make me superficial and other things that make me sedentary like trash tv, Instagram and magazines. I’ve been focusing on self-development and self-growth. When I think about the things that fill my bucket I think growth and giving is a big part of that and that hasn’t been a priority in my life.

I want to volunteer again, I want to grow in all the ways – I want to grow my practice in mindfulness and my search in finding myself and my meaning, and I also want to grow in knowledge of things that really matter versus the shit I am currently addicted to like facebook posts and random lists about celebrities.

I also want to remember and honour my experience from when I was in an abusive relationship. That propelled me to greatness if only for a little bit. In the face of crisis I believe we truly have the opportunity grow and expand and break through all barriers. As I healed from my experience I also found deep satisfaction and inspiration in my desire to help other women who had similar experiences. Nothing ever came from that. I want to change that. There is an untapped talent there that I can offer this world and while it’s not Africa and it’s not making radical changes to the world to save the environment (my grade 4 self had some brilliant ideas in that arena!!), but it’s a step in the right direction. I want to uncover the girl who wanted to save the world before I got overwhelmed and walked away from that ambition. I do want to make a difference in my own life and in yours.

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Love that feeling of getting stronger. I’m running harder, faster, longer. I’m pushing further. I feel happy. I feel great. Focused. The challenge is always keeping the focus. I used to run for 15 minutes and just lose focus… I struggled to get past 15 minutes. Now when I get to 30 minutes it feels so easy. At the end I amp up the speed and find myself in this really smooth zone. Smiling helps. I look like a fool on the treadmill, but it gives me new energy…  just a little grin here and there. I hope that I can bring that strength to my hot yoga practice. So many times I want to give up on holding a pose. Maybe I can find that zone there too. It was my instructor that gave me the idea to smile. When we are holding challenging poses he reminds us to smile… and something on the inside changes.

I want to be my very best self. I’m finally digging myself out of this rut that I’ve been in. I don’t want to aim for perfection. Perfection is painful. The house isn’t tidy and I need to let that go. I’m flawed and I have to let that go too. I have to love it and accept it. My best self is my happiest self. Whatever that is… I’m not sure yet, but I know my priorities need to change. Less TV. More friends. Less fast food. More cooking from the heart. Less couch. More life.  Travel, experiences, appreciation, forgiveness, compassion, love. This is my last month of my 20s – I want to jump start my third decade on this planet with joy, kindness and courage. Lets go!

I choose happy. Inspire me.

 

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Anything could happen

January 16, 2015

Okay, I think after I blogged last I had a slight break through.

I started to read Yoga Cures by Tare Stiles. It’s really uplifting and pretty much addressed all of my concerns. I think I just need to keep going back to the mat. I need to keep going back to my breath. And then maybe I’ll start opening up more, focusing better, and just being happier.

She makes a great point that practicing yoga is like checking in on yourself.

I’m going to do that daily even if it means just doing some child’s pose before going to bed.

If I put yoga back into my regular routine maybe anything could happen!

Namaste 🙂

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately about personal growth. There seems to be a resounding theme – while they don’t coin it as mindfulness, everything seems to circle back to its meaning.

Mindfulness is a tool I seemed to have misplaced years ago. I’ve never mastered it, and I don’t think it’s something I will ever fully master. My mind isn’t wired to live fully in the present 100% of the time. Blog, when I told you that my heart is heart breakingingly sentimental that doesn’t even cover the half of it. And my heart is also anxious about the future. I think this is all the more reason for me to never give up on this tool. This book I’m reading right now discusses living in day-tight compartments by creating an iron wall against yesterday as well as tomorrow. I would be happy to substitute that iron wa51176ll for a fabric curtain that will still allow the sunlight from yesterday and potential sunlight of tomorrow in. Now – I just need to figure out a way to take life day by day, and today step by step. This brings me to the intention I’d like to set for the entire month of March – practice mindfulness daily. I want to wake up ready to take on the day and I want to go to sleep patting myself on the back for a job well done.

This world sometimes seems way too big for me. I can’t seem conquer anything and I can’t be everything. I have this expanding macro view and macro expectation of myself. I can’t seem to focus on one thing at a time… but when I focus on everything at a time I begin to feel so hopeless. When I read about other people’s accomplishments I start going down the same rabbit hole and the same list of whys… Why can’t I do yoga every day, keep my house clean, go to South Africa, volunteer, read more meaningful books, eat better food, try interesting things… and the list goes on and on and on until I’m stuck in this crippling grip of complete self hatred… and also anxiety for the future disappointment I fear I will continue to be.

Maybe I can find some  peace in mindfulness.