It all fell down

December 12, 2015

I spend at least 8 hours a day failing.

I come from a background of not being good at anything. So when I found I was suddenly successful in a career I stumbled into I finally found validation and something to be proud of. My income level and professional self became the one driving factor behind my confidence. But then I took a promotion in mid September. My ‘successful’ career had already become so stale, but staying the path is fueled by an income level I’m sad to say I’m addicted to. However, this promotion has all validation and what little dignity I thought I had left dissipating into deep and dark depression.

I am overwhelmed. I am drowning in self-hatred. I am losing everything. I don’t know what I’m doing. Every day I’m failing. Every day I’m falling behind in the race.

But how do I escape? I am my income, my income is me. What am I without it? I came from a poor family and had no expectations of ever raising above. I grew up in fear that I too wouldn’t be able to provide for myself. Now that I’m doing it I don’t know how to take the risk of losing my financial independence.

But if I don’t take that risk and walk away from a career that is killing me I think I’ll lose myself completely.

I spend at least 8 hours a day of failing and then I find myself hyper-sensitive to any form of criticism outside of my work life. I want to scream! I just spent so many hours failing and hating myself that one last tiny comment will topple the already unbalanced scale.

8 hours + a day of failing. Of feeling completely helpless and stupid and insufficient. That might gives me 16 hours left to exercise, sleep, get caught up on fixing stupid things I did at work all day, to be a friend, to be a fiancee, to connect with family, to take care of my beautiful puppy, to feed myself… to do all of the other things that pile up in day to day life. Things every normal person can do  without issue! And I don’t know how to manage any of these things. Time is running away on me. And the worst part is I feel so broken down by my work day that I come home and I’m not sure how to do anything beyond sleeping and shutting my mind off.

Truly, I’m not living anymore. I’ve been struggling with staggering depression since September. A friend told me that people like me are too smart to be satisfied with just a large pay cheque and stagnant life style. I think she’s so sweet for saying so, but I don’t remember the last time anyone including myself saw me as smart. Every day loved ones remind me of simple things that I do wrong or could do better. I don’t know how to be anything better than what I already am. I can’t improve. I’m just going to fade away forever.