new bohemia

September 22, 2015

I’m not your expectations. I can’t fit into your corporate square. I’m too complicated. I’m two people. I’m what I was and what I am. I am so suffocated. I can’t spell. I can’t speak when I’m nervous. I’m too scared to let you down. I’m too brave to not try. I don’t want to care.

One more pay cheque. One more year. One more goal. One more day of pretending to be your square, but I don’t fit. I will never fit. One more breath. One more thought. When will they find out I’m just a fraud?

All the ted talks, dale carnegie and designations in the world won’t make me be enough. I’m not this.

If I could I would. Instead I put on lip stick and a blazer. I try to laugh it off. I try to wake up.

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Rivers and Roads

February 28, 2015

It feels like I spent a month in my shared apartment in Calgary replaying Head and the Heart and Trampled by Turtles. It was my soundtrack to falling in love with you. And I swear I could feel my heart growing and expanding to make room for all of the love I have for you. It was terrifying and exciting and new. I’m lucky to experience something that not everyone in this world gets to experience.

I find myself grateful for all of the pain and heart ache I’ve ever felt in my lifetime, because it was preparing me for a real love with you. And this love of ours is so much more vibrant having something bleak and grey to compare it to. Someone told me before that our greatest days are made greater by our worst days.

I’m eternally grateful for you. Thank you for all of your patience, encouragement, respect, kindness, love and laughter.

It’s another new beginning for us. 99&100.

There’s this part of me that is locked away and I can’t stand it. There was this passageway that used to exist within me that took me to different worlds and to different stories. I’d see a blank page of paper and I’d need to find a pen so that I could frantically start putting words to the stories that lived inside of me. It wasn’t difficult to access them. They needed out. I experienced the stories as they spilled out of me. There is this one that has haunted me for years about red roses. I knew it was a special story. To me it was so dark and complex and beautiful. I can only remember pieces of it.

It’s like that song by Tenacious D called The Best Song in the World. This story was the best story in the world and now it’s gone! Gone with all of my creativity and inspiration. The door to those worlds is all locked up. Maybe it never even existed. MAYBE if I read my story about red roses now it would be the silliest thing I’d ever read in the world, but still I’m with Tenacious D on this one. Maybe I’ll find it again. My sister told me to just keep writing everyday and then it would come back to me. I can’t bring myself to write empty and meaningless poems and stories. I see blank pieces of paper and I can feel this dull ache. It’s mostly disappointment because I can’t fill those pages anymore. There is a hunger though. What a tease. Take me back to 12 years old digging through gramma’s cupboards for any piece of paper I could get my hands on.

Where does the creativity go?

Something keeps telling me that I need to just keep running. If I keep running it’s going to be the cure to everything. If I maintain this momentum it just has to start opening me up to everything that is good and everything that I miss. Right? Maybe?

I’m chasing after my creativity.

My life’s brightest memories are a patchwork of falling. My snowboarding instructor told me to fall onto my toe edge. This is totally nerdy, I know. But when I finally let myself fall (the first few times I was too scared) it changed everything for me. Kind of like a lot of things in my life. Every time I jump in or let myself fall it has been rewarding or at the very least a h@ll of a learning experience. So many people in my life have told me to try one thing that scares me every day. Maybe they’re onto something. Either way – it’s easy for me because I’m scared of everything!

I’m still on a roll blog. All of my life I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. It’s not always obvious and it’s hardly ever devastating but it blankets my life in such a way that I know that I’m not living to my fullest potential. I’ve always had a hunch that being physically active and challenging myself was the key to unlocking the cure. If you have any runners or work out freaks on your social media feed than maybe you’ve scowled like I have at all of their stupid inspiring and happy posts (#choosehappy #runfordays // Insert selfie or random picture of lone running girl with a high pony tail and wristband down a windy road into the sunset). But – these people are high on endorphins! I get it. It’s happening! I want to run for days. I want to feel the pain, because I know it means I’m getting stronger. I want to be covered in sweat, it means I’m winning. Okay, well time to go post generic happy pictures with inspiring taglines on all of the social media! Just kidding. Or maybe I’m kidding…

Either way, whatever you’re looking for blog, I really hope you find it or that you’ve found it. And I hope I don’t lose what I’ve gained so far. Stay tuned!

Love that feeling of getting stronger. I’m running harder, faster, longer. I’m pushing further. I feel happy. I feel great. Focused. The challenge is always keeping the focus. I used to run for 15 minutes and just lose focus… I struggled to get past 15 minutes. Now when I get to 30 minutes it feels so easy. At the end I amp up the speed and find myself in this really smooth zone. Smiling helps. I look like a fool on the treadmill, but it gives me new energy…  just a little grin here and there. I hope that I can bring that strength to my hot yoga practice. So many times I want to give up on holding a pose. Maybe I can find that zone there too. It was my instructor that gave me the idea to smile. When we are holding challenging poses he reminds us to smile… and something on the inside changes.

I want to be my very best self. I’m finally digging myself out of this rut that I’ve been in. I don’t want to aim for perfection. Perfection is painful. The house isn’t tidy and I need to let that go. I’m flawed and I have to let that go too. I have to love it and accept it. My best self is my happiest self. Whatever that is… I’m not sure yet, but I know my priorities need to change. Less TV. More friends. Less fast food. More cooking from the heart. Less couch. More life.  Travel, experiences, appreciation, forgiveness, compassion, love. This is my last month of my 20s – I want to jump start my third decade on this planet with joy, kindness and courage. Lets go!

I choose happy. Inspire me.

 

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Anything could happen

January 16, 2015

Okay, I think after I blogged last I had a slight break through.

I started to read Yoga Cures by Tare Stiles. It’s really uplifting and pretty much addressed all of my concerns. I think I just need to keep going back to the mat. I need to keep going back to my breath. And then maybe I’ll start opening up more, focusing better, and just being happier.

She makes a great point that practicing yoga is like checking in on yourself.

I’m going to do that daily even if it means just doing some child’s pose before going to bed.

If I put yoga back into my regular routine maybe anything could happen!

Namaste 🙂

Losing my intentions

January 15, 2015

When you have that moment on that mat and it’s sort of like, ‘aha! there I am. there’s my forgiveness, my compassion and my patience. there’s my breath. it’s all good.’ and then you leave the quiet dimly lit room for chaotic reality. I lose it. Or it loses me. And I get stuck in my mind that demands perfection and abuses me with expectations. I lose all patience and compassion and go back to judging and rushing.

I want to let go of this idea of perfection. I’m always failing by my own unrealistic expectations. And what is the point of perfection? Flaws make us interesting, but I can’t let go of this idea that I’m just not doing it right. I don’t own the right things, I’m not tidy enough, I don’t have enough in savings, I’m lazy, I’m mean, I’m ugly in countless different ways… why do we do this to ourselves? I want to let it all of go.

And while I’m talking about wants and dreams more than anything I want to forgive my family for my own inability to understand them. I want to forgive them for all of the things that can’t be undone. I want to open back up to them, but I’ve lost my way in getting there. I want to give all of my compassion and forgiveness to them. To the people I love the most and hurt the most through this poisonous isolation I’ve placed on the road between our hearts and minds and everything else that makes us who we are.

I want to be in the moment.  And I want all of this clutter that comes from technology and social media to stop filling up my time turning my moments into a meaningless life I know I’ll regret.

Is there a simple formula that will set it all right and take those gentle intentions off of the mat with me and into real life?

GetAttachment

Set my dreams on fire

December 16, 2014

I wear my dreams where you can’t see

I put my tears where I can’t dream

And I live in all the space between

There’s beauty in the break
and in all the words I cannot say
Promise to hear them anyway

Strip me down to dreams and soul

Find what he could not control

Keep them in your space between
all of your dreams and your love for me

From the child that became the woman
that became the woman and the child
to the man that brought her back to light
from the dark room she left behind
Take my pieces where ever you go
and where ever you go will be my home

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Power Flow

October 25, 2014

I was off the mat for too long.

After a few weeks of successfully eating well and of exercising my core I finally found myself in a power flow class. At the end I was too exhausted to even fully enjoy ballet leg. It was so challenging, but at the the very end in resting pose I felt so incredible. I feel more in tune with me again. I think I’m going to do a yin class tomorrow. Perfect way to end a weekend!

Nameste

Sometimes I really wish I could go back 20 years and retrieve my ideas, inspirations, creativity, dreams… I wish I could retrieve that spark I had that was only starting to form and grow when I was just a little girl. It kept growing. It kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I had so many powerful emotion vibrating deep inside of me. But the older I get the duller it all becomes. As dreams become within my grasp the less sweet they taste. The more able I am at making a difference at anything the less I care. And worst of all – where I was once patient and kind I’ve become jaded and rushed.

Where do I go to revive the health of my soul? I want to feed my spirit and rediscover the sort of joy that used to send shivers down my spine. But I don’t even know where to start. And I’m scared that at the very end I’ll look into the mirror and realize that I’ve become what I’ve always feared the most. The bitterest and loneliest woman I’ve ever known … kind of like the lead character from the Stone Angel… or more like my nana.

As I grow apart from old friends and fail to relate to my family I have to ask myself what have I done? And how do I undo it before I get too cold and too far away?