Losing my intentions

January 15, 2015

When you have that moment on that mat and it’s sort of like, ‘aha! there I am. there’s my forgiveness, my compassion and my patience. there’s my breath. it’s all good.’ and then you leave the quiet dimly lit room for chaotic reality. I lose it. Or it loses me. And I get stuck in my mind that demands perfection and abuses me with expectations. I lose all patience and compassion and go back to judging and rushing.

I want to let go of this idea of perfection. I’m always failing by my own unrealistic expectations. And what is the point of perfection? Flaws make us interesting, but I can’t let go of this idea that I’m just not doing it right. I don’t own the right things, I’m not tidy enough, I don’t have enough in savings, I’m lazy, I’m mean, I’m ugly in countless different ways… why do we do this to ourselves? I want to let it all of go.

And while I’m talking about wants and dreams more than anything I want to forgive my family for my own inability to understand them. I want to forgive them for all of the things that can’t be undone. I want to open back up to them, but I’ve lost my way in getting there. I want to give all of my compassion and forgiveness to them. To the people I love the most and hurt the most through this poisonous isolation I’ve placed on the road between our hearts and minds and everything else that makes us who we are.

I want to be in the moment.  And I want all of this clutter that comes from technology and social media to stop filling up my time turning my moments into a meaningless life I know I’ll regret.

Is there a simple formula that will set it all right and take those gentle intentions off of the mat with me and into real life?