Rivers and Roads

February 28, 2015

It feels like I spent a month in my shared apartment in Calgary replaying Head and the Heart and Trampled by Turtles. It was my soundtrack to falling in love with you. And I swear I could feel my heart growing and expanding to make room for all of the love I have for you. It was terrifying and exciting and new. I’m lucky to experience something that not everyone in this world gets to experience.

I find myself grateful for all of the pain and heart ache I’ve ever felt in my lifetime, because it was preparing me for a real love with you. And this love of ours is so much more vibrant having something bleak and grey to compare it to. Someone told me before that our greatest days are made greater by our worst days.

I’m eternally grateful for you. Thank you for all of your patience, encouragement, respect, kindness, love and laughter.

It’s another new beginning for us. 99&100.

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There’s this part of me that is locked away and I can’t stand it. There was this passageway that used to exist within me that took me to different worlds and to different stories. I’d see a blank page of paper and I’d need to find a pen so that I could frantically start putting words to the stories that lived inside of me. It wasn’t difficult to access them. They needed out. I experienced the stories as they spilled out of me. There is this one that has haunted me for years about red roses. I knew it was a special story. To me it was so dark and complex and beautiful. I can only remember pieces of it.

It’s like that song by Tenacious D called The Best Song in the World. This story was the best story in the world and now it’s gone! Gone with all of my creativity and inspiration. The door to those worlds is all locked up. Maybe it never even existed. MAYBE if I read my story about red roses now it would be the silliest thing I’d ever read in the world, but still I’m with Tenacious D on this one. Maybe I’ll find it again. My sister told me to just keep writing everyday and then it would come back to me. I can’t bring myself to write empty and meaningless poems and stories. I see blank pieces of paper and I can feel this dull ache. It’s mostly disappointment because I can’t fill those pages anymore. There is a hunger though. What a tease. Take me back to 12 years old digging through gramma’s cupboards for any piece of paper I could get my hands on.

Where does the creativity go?

Something keeps telling me that I need to just keep running. If I keep running it’s going to be the cure to everything. If I maintain this momentum it just has to start opening me up to everything that is good and everything that I miss. Right? Maybe?

I’m chasing after my creativity.

My life’s brightest memories are a patchwork of falling. My snowboarding instructor told me to fall onto my toe edge. This is totally nerdy, I know. But when I finally let myself fall (the first few times I was too scared) it changed everything for me. Kind of like a lot of things in my life. Every time I jump in or let myself fall it has been rewarding or at the very least a h@ll of a learning experience. So many people in my life have told me to try one thing that scares me every day. Maybe they’re onto something. Either way – it’s easy for me because I’m scared of everything!

I’m still on a roll blog. All of my life I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. It’s not always obvious and it’s hardly ever devastating but it blankets my life in such a way that I know that I’m not living to my fullest potential. I’ve always had a hunch that being physically active and challenging myself was the key to unlocking the cure. If you have any runners or work out freaks on your social media feed than maybe you’ve scowled like I have at all of their stupid inspiring and happy posts (#choosehappy #runfordays // Insert selfie or random picture of lone running girl with a high pony tail and wristband down a windy road into the sunset). But – these people are high on endorphins! I get it. It’s happening! I want to run for days. I want to feel the pain, because I know it means I’m getting stronger. I want to be covered in sweat, it means I’m winning. Okay, well time to go post generic happy pictures with inspiring taglines on all of the social media! Just kidding. Or maybe I’m kidding…

Either way, whatever you’re looking for blog, I really hope you find it or that you’ve found it. And I hope I don’t lose what I’ve gained so far. Stay tuned!

Love that feeling of getting stronger. I’m running harder, faster, longer. I’m pushing further. I feel happy. I feel great. Focused. The challenge is always keeping the focus. I used to run for 15 minutes and just lose focus… I struggled to get past 15 minutes. Now when I get to 30 minutes it feels so easy. At the end I amp up the speed and find myself in this really smooth zone. Smiling helps. I look like a fool on the treadmill, but it gives me new energy…  just a little grin here and there. I hope that I can bring that strength to my hot yoga practice. So many times I want to give up on holding a pose. Maybe I can find that zone there too. It was my instructor that gave me the idea to smile. When we are holding challenging poses he reminds us to smile… and something on the inside changes.

I want to be my very best self. I’m finally digging myself out of this rut that I’ve been in. I don’t want to aim for perfection. Perfection is painful. The house isn’t tidy and I need to let that go. I’m flawed and I have to let that go too. I have to love it and accept it. My best self is my happiest self. Whatever that is… I’m not sure yet, but I know my priorities need to change. Less TV. More friends. Less fast food. More cooking from the heart. Less couch. More life.  Travel, experiences, appreciation, forgiveness, compassion, love. This is my last month of my 20s – I want to jump start my third decade on this planet with joy, kindness and courage. Lets go!

I choose happy. Inspire me.

 

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