Hi Blog,

I can’t believe it was November 2016 when I started thinking about my happiness project. Was it really so long ago? I had all these grand ideas about how I was going to map out a clear route to take me directly to Destiny Happy. Leave it to me to overcomplicate happiness!

Here’s what really happened. In January I drank a smoothie every single day, gave up alcohol, worked out 3 – 4 times / week, woke up every morning at 6am, limited myself to 3 hours of tv each week, and ate my recommended servings of fruit and veg. My energy levels were through the roof!

In February I started targeting my mental health while still upping the ante for my January goals (more work outs, even less tv, you get the picture…). I added 20 minutes of self-help youtube videos to my daily schedule, 10 minutes of meditation in the morning, 5 minutes of practicing gratitude before bed, I deleted social media and spent an hour each day reading a self-help book.
When March came around I was exhausted, my back and SI joint were causing me pain from working out too hard and too fast, I was back on social media, and if I had to endure one more Brendan Burchard video about how to be the best version of yourself I was going to vomit.

I gave up on my happiness project, promising myself that I would return my focus on my project when I felt better. I poured myself a glass of wine, sat on the couch and started to dive deep back into my complacent and checked out self. The voice inside me quietly gave me the good ol’ ‘Told you so. It’s better this way, you’re safe staying where you are right now’.
And there I was back at square one. Anxiety and depression paralyzed me, and when it got too bad I quieted my discomfort with reality tv and a bottle of wine. I went right back to hating myself, and resenting everyone around me.

Fast forward to today. I’m cautiously hopeful that there is a simpler way to find happiness. I am looking deep inside to find what I need to start down the right path.
It starts with some important questions that I’ve only just begun to answer.

What is happiness?
What is preventing me from being happy?
What are my values?

This is me showing up again. The journey continues.

 

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What do you do to help stave off depression?
What music do you listen to?
Who do you talk to?
How long does it last? How long is too long?
How do you fight the exhaustion?
What keeps you going?
What do you do to move through the grey and back into colour?

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There’s a memory there

November 18, 2016

If you found the most beautiful and the most happy place in the world would you leave it there all perfect and shiny or would you replay it again and again until it dulls and fades out?

I’m somewhere. You’re somewhere. I’m nowhere. You’re nowhere. You’re somewhere. You’re somewhere. I could go there, but I don’t.

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I’m waking up

November 18, 2016

As I start constructing my happiness project there are a lot of areas in my life I want to look at. I’ve decided to take the plunge and December will be month 1 out of my 12 month program. That means I have a little less than 2 weeks to create a clear and measureable roadmap to destination happy…

Clutter is an obvious one and like Gretchen this will probably be my first area of focus. We moved into our home about 2 months ago and haven’t completely unpacked so I’ve been spending a lot of time organizing, unpacking and purging to make December easier for myself. I’ll need to de-clutter my mind, office and email as well.

Energy. Again, similar to Gretchen I think the next obvious step would be focusing on increasing energy to prepare myself for the next 1o goals. That includes exercise, nutrition and sleep. In the last few weeks I’ve really improved in all 3 of those areas, and I’m looking forward to having a real game plan to truly ingrain some good habits into my day to day life.

From there I am having a really hard time prioritizing what comes next.

Be More Sam is another major goal. This has been nagging me for a very long time now even if I couldn’t really put words to what I was feeling. One day my co-worker left a present on my desk, and the message was loud and clear. The book was The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck, by Sarah Knight and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. At the time it felt like I was having the same argument over and over with my husband. Our group of friends have big get togethers. Sometimes it’s a ski trip, sometimes it’s a masquerade new years party, or sometimes it’s just a birthday get together but there is always 20+ people and I found after a while I was getting bored and frustrated, but couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong with me. Jared couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me either and it was becoming a major point of contention. Sarah Knight talks about having a f*ck budget as in you can only give a f*ck about so many things before you start exhausting your efforts and time. And if you can only give so many f*cks you don’t want to spend any on things you really don’t want to do. It was then that I began to understand that it was okay for me to not always want to participate in these get-togethers. But I still spent a lot of time feeling guilt over letter Jared and my friends down. Me not wanting to participate in this activities still seemed to mean that I was no fun and didn’t value my friends enough. It took time to realize that yes, I value them, but I don’t like big parties like I used to. I get overwhelmed once there are more than 8 people even if they are all close friends. I find as the quantity of people go up the quality of time goes down. I don’t have any fun, I zone out and I start to feel uncomfortable. However, as much as I want to be more Sam and not expend my f*ck budget on things that don’t make me happy at one point is that considered selfish? I am still trying to navigate the give and take especially where my marriage is concerned. Jared is only here 2 weeks of each month because of his work schedule. He wants to spend time with his friends and he wants me there too. Meanwhile I usually don’t enjoy myself at these big get togethers and I only get Jared 2 weeks out of every month. How do I be more Sam and be a good wife at the same time? So it’s all good and well knowing what I DON’T want to do, but it got me thinking about what I DO want to do? And the answers came a lot harder than you would expect. In the end I found hiking, reading, taking my dog to the dog park, feeding people, hanging out with a couple of friends, sunsets, live music and exploring new places bring me the most joy.

Marriage. Happy wife happy life right? Same probably goes for the husband, but it just doesn’t rhyme quite as well. This is something I’ve been wanting to focus on for a while now. I find myself very impatient with my husband and I feel a lot of guilt over that. He’s a very logical person who approaches each situation and decision with caution, thought and facts. I, on the other hand, approach pretty much everything with emotion and a need to act now and fast. They say opposites attract, but oftentimes I find myself hurt, misunderstood and fairly impatient when I find ourselves on opposite ends. So I really want to figure out some measurable goals that will help me improve and grow our relationship. From a couples counselling retreat to just trying to figure out ways to rein in my emotions I have been all over the map, but this is one of the most important components of my plan.

Friendship. While it’s true that I don’t want to hang out with 20+ friends at a time and maybe I don’t really like themed parties as much as I once thought I did my friends are still a very important part of my life. And I want to deepen and strengthen those relationships. Maybe that will mean more small dinner parties, coffee dates, hikes or starting some kind of book club I need to figure out who to up the quality of when we are together. And then there are the friends who don’t live in the same city of me. I want to find ways to make sure they know I am still thinking about them all the time and that I love them. My heart is divided between Nova Scotia and Toronto where some of my oldest and dearest friends reside. My heart hurts thinking about how much I miss them.

Family. I consider Jared and Bear to be my primary family, but our siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews are so important to me and I want them to know that. I need to think of some creative ways to keep in touch with them despite the distance.

And then some other parts of my happiness project are career, hobbies, having more fun, and being kind & generous.

Obviously my roadmap is extremely incomplete, but the wheels are turnings and I’m really looking forward to seeing how this all unravels.

Blog, you’re going to play a big part in this!

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Feel good. Feel less bad. Feel right.

Feeling good is not the opposite of feeling bad. They’re independent of each other.

In an atmosphere of growth.

Still reading ‘The Happiness Project’, and I LOVE Gretchen’s happiness mission statement (or formula as she calls it). Gretchen, can we be best friends?

It all makes sense. But something is nagging me. Has been nagging me for quite some time. The whole feeling right part. Feeling right is all about being true to yourself and true to your dreams. It’s about where you live, what you do, and whether or not you abide by your moral compass. And so much more than that. I wonder if that is what is broken inside of me. I’m not living where I should be or where I want to be. I’m not in a career that I love. I’m not inspired. I’m not passionate. So… how do I confront this? Finding a new career is a huge risk. Jared doesn’t want to move. We just bought a house. How do I balance the glaring fact that I am not living/feeling right with real life limitations? I have to consider the financial impact, I have to consider Jared, I have to consider that maybe I’ll land on my ass and fail. And if I need to go against feeling right for a little bit is there anything I can do to feel right with what I have currently? Does having a 5 year plan to change careers and move away balance out the fact that right here isn’t right and right here isn’t happy. Can I make it right and happy for now? And how? I really admire those who have stepped outside of their comfort zone and took the jump to entrepreneurship or travelling the world or just losing the safety net. There is something inside of me that has always felt that this was my path… to do something big and scary, to be true to who I am. Is that something that lives within everyone?

Paraphrasing more of Gretchen’s findings she says that if you do new things you’re more apt to feel happy than if you were to stick with more familiar things. The unfamiliar and unexpected are important sources of happiness. New things  make the passage of time slower and richer. No violin lessons or salsa dances for me she says. No matter what the experts said.

Yes, Gretchen, yes!  Every time I try to repeat an experience I’ve had previously it’s never as good as the first time I’ve experienced it. But, sorry, I’m dead set on the violin lessons. And singing lessons. It’s going to be a part of my happiness project. And Jeremy, where do you go when you play guitar? Can I go there?

New places. I need to explore new places and try new things. I need to go to Africa and do my first Safari. I’ll add that one to my happiness project for sure! Sometimes when I think about seeing an elephant in its own habitat I cry.

Gretchen is articulating my every passing thought and legitimizing my internal voice that has been screaming at me for years.

I cannot wait to piece together the framework of my own happiness project with measurable goals.

She also talks about the fun of failure. I REALLY appreciate that she addressed the things she failed at. It’s not something people talk about a lot. And it was reassuring to hear that she was pretty ok with some of the things that just didn’t work out. I feel stunted sometimes by my own fear of failure and oftentimes I don’t even try just to guarantee I won’t fail. Like I love the idea of packing paper bag lunches and hot chocolates and giving them out to beggars on the street. I always think about the fact that I can’t help them when they ask for change, because I don’t have change. I only have a visa. But what if I dropped off some food and hot chocolates? Would it go over well? Would I learn more about who they are and how they came to be what I see as just beggars on the street? Would I learn their names? And then some day would it become bigger than me? Would I solve homelessness in Calgary?! Okay… back to reality self. But seriously, my fear of rejection has completely turned me off of the idea. What if they don’t want my lunches? What if they yell at me? There is this one older guy who is always at the same place at the same time almost everyday in the plus 15 that takes me from my work to the food court. I’m always pumped on the days I have change so I can give him a few bucks. He has a really long beard and hair, and his clothes always look pretty worn in. One day I noticed his beard and hair were trimmed up, and his clothes were clean. On my way by him I wanted to tell him I thought he looked great and that I noticed the changes. I thought about it the whole way to the food court. What if he snaps at me for talking to him? Am I being patronizing? Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. But then 20 minutes later I had gotten up the courage to tell him I thought he looked nice. I was so pleased with myself, but was still bothered with the question… why is he asking for money? What does he need? Does he have family? Is he okay? Two dollars and an awkwardly spewed compliment just didn’t seem like enough. I always think of him as Joe in my head. Sometimes I day dream about becoming friends with Joe.

I know I’m all over the place blog, but I think I’m getting closer to sorting out what you’re becoming and the theme of what you will be. Not yet, not tomorrow, but soon. I feel it on the horizon. I hate not having order. There has to be a clear pattern so this pains me more than it does you. We’ll get there blog, in time we will get there.

But for now… BLAXLKJFDLJAFDSLKJFD!!!

Which brings me to my next item of discussion.

On my journey of having a proper mid-life crisis I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries. So of course I finally worked up the courage of watching Audrey and Daisy. I spent 3 hours crying my eyes out (yes, I know I cry a lot) at the injustice that these girls had to go through. I know I keep eluding to the fact that I was in an abusive relationship and it was bad… very bad. Because this abusive relationship completely and utterly propelled me into who I am now it often eclipses an older, but just as terrible if not worse experience. When I was 14 I was raped. I drank for the first time, and not only did I drink, but I finished off a whole 6 pack of beer and at the time was probably less than 100 pounds. I was so drunk that at one point I convulsed and smashed my head off a mug and it smashed into a hundred tiny pieces, but if didn’t hurt at all. An 18 year old boy I had just met that day ended up carrying me out to a field and I think he raped me. I’m not even positive I lost my virginity but I know he tried. I used to laugh about it. I would make inappropriate jokes about having sex, because sex was no longer a sacred thing. But it wasn’t funny. I ended up telling my parents. I saw my dad cry for the first time, and while I tried to cope and come to terms with what happened to me I could often hear my mom crying in her room. They sent me to therapy (and didn’t run it through their group benefits plan, because they did not want anyone to find out I was going to therapy… let that fucked-upness marinate with you for a little bit), because I nose dived into a deep and dark depression. My therapist was taken aback by how flippant I was about being raped. My boyfriend at the time harbored ill feelings toward me for not saving my virginity for him. I have a picture of me in grade 10 riding a little bay mare and that same picture is in my photo album beside a note that says she saved my life. She probably did. I spent the following year throwing myself into riding. I showed for the first (and last) time. I spent 10 hours a day at the barn. When night would set in I would sit in the paddock and tell her and Maximum all of my secrets. I’d race around the track and forget everything in the world except us. Spirit, Lacey, Maximus… I carry them with me. I was drowning, and they helped me fly.

I digress. What I really want to point out here is that this shit happens. It happens a lot and it gets swept under the rug and we grow up blaming ourselves. For me, I grew up with the notion that sex wasn’t special, it wasn’t sacred… to me it was a joke. I slept around and a lot of pain and regret resulted from my flippant attitude towards sex. And because I didn’t value the full scope of what sex could be and what it could mean I found myself in a lot of dicey situations with boys or men that also had no respect for what sex was supposed to be, and I found myself saying yes in situations where I wanted to say no, because saying no means no might not work, and saying no can turn simple sex into something more sinister like rape. And if that happens your mom cries for a month and you get sent to therapy in secret and the world falls apart. So you say yes, because he isn’t taking no for an answer. Rape is highly UNfuckingCONVENIENT.

When it finally got to be too much I pressed charges against my ex, and it WAS inconvenient and scary. It nearly broke me in half, but I did the right thing, because when I was a timid and terrified 14 year old I kept my mouth shut and you know what? He raped another girl not even a year later. And I will forever carry that shit with me. I’m sorry to that girl that I never had the privilege to know or meet. And I’m sorry I didn’t speak up. I hope you’re doing okay.

I really digress now.

Watching Audrie and Daisy made me so insanely proud. Despite the injustice that these girls experienced they spoke out about it! Not in some anonymous blog, but on a documentary in person available to the whole world! And lets make this a conversation! Lets talk about this. You are not alone. And the shit that happened to you is fucked up and you have nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing. The world will re-victimize you, but someday with your voice and with mine we’ll change everything. And the burden of the truth isn’t just on your shoulders. It’s on our shoulders and we will carry it together.

I’m not ashamed anymore. This is for Audrie and Daisy. This is for all of you. I am so sorry. I know the truth feels like a burden. People will question it. The people you trust most might re-victimize you. Find something to keep you alive. Find a support network. Find strength in not being alone. Don’t let it kill you, don’t let it cheapen sex, don’t let is poison you. I’m here for you.

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Wrap me up. Unfold me.

October 24, 2016

I am currently cooking supper and listening to an audio book that my friend Rhonda recommended to me today at lunch. It’s called ‘The Happiness Project’, by Gretchen Rubin. When Rhonda told me about it I was of course excited. My life right now is all about this exact same project and I’ve always wanted to start listening to Audio books so here goes nothing. I’m not even 5 minutes in and Gretchen seems to be my soul mate.

“I always thought I would outgrow my limitations…. I’d read Shakespeare, I’d spend more time laughing and having fun… I’d visit museums more often, I wouldn’t be scared to drive…. I had a sudden realization, I was in danger of wasting my life… I saw that the years were slipping by. What do I want in life anyway? Well I want to be happy… but I never thought of what that would be.” So I’m not alone in my fear to drive and someone else worries about wasting their life?

She talks about struggling with her own nature and not being grateful for the beautiful things  she has in life. She is worried someday she will look back at her life and see all the happiness she had, but did not feel. I’m constantly tormented by all of the things I have in life and not appreciating any of them.

Like her I want to change the lens I look through. And like her I want to figure out what happiness is and how to achieve.

So I’m trying to think of goals that would help me work towards my goal of happiness.

This is a bit of a disjointed list that I am going to keep working on.

Be grateful / appreciate the life I have
Be patient
Be kind
Cook
See friends
Volunteer
Actively self improve
Travel
Cherish old friends and family
Increase energy – exercise, get more sleep (no phone or computer, or tv after 9), eat well / Mental energy – house and office
Career
More Outdoors & exploring

 

I see stars for us

October 17, 2016

Maybe I’ll take violin lessons. And voice lessons.

I’ve always felt like there was something musical inside of me trying to break out. But I always get bored and give up. Not anymore.

I remember being a little girl in old Mr Cosh’s backyard which bordered on our backyard. I remember Mr Cosh as being a very nice and patient old guy. I think he looked older than he actually was because in later years I learned he was a raging alcoholic. But he was musical. He could play every instrument. I liked having talks with Mr Cosh when I was out exploring the neighborhood and one day he told me he would teach me to play whatever I wanted. We started with a little guitar which was fun and then one day he put his violin in my hands and he told me to just play. And I couldn’t believe he wasn’t instructing me – he just put it in my hands and told me to play whatever I thought was inside of my heart. And after I finished he told me and later told my parents that I had taken his breath away  the first time on the violin. I felt it too. I paid Mr Cosh back by making him a friendship bracelet.

And if you fast forward to when I was in a hostel with a bunch of friends Leah gave me her harmonica and she told just to do with it what felt right while Mike Buckley played my favorite Head and the Heart song called Down in the Valley. People told me I gave them the chills playing that harmonica and it was totally unexpected.

I’m proud of those moments.

And looking back as I listen to Down in the Valley I realize now that I think I knew the song so well that I was mimicking the violin parts with my harmonica.

And the violin always takes my breath away.

My mom had a mid-life crisis and took up drumming. Mid-life crisis, I’m coming for you!

Can you chase the fire away

October 15, 2016

In my journey to find more gratitude and feel more alive I’m reminding myself of some of the moments in life that have made me feel most alive and I’ll carry them with me through the dark:

At the gazebo with my family running around in the field with sparklers after Terri-Lynn’s first wedding. We had a picnic with leftover reception food. I was 14 maybe.

My first riding lesson when I walked into the barn and Tommy was in the cross-ties. The smell and sound of horses.

Sitting on the bridge with Robyn, Kathleen, Dhiogo, Fernando and I think a few others were there too.

Jubilee.

Singing on the swings with Kathleen at the park during some community event.

Cantering on Scotty.

Nights in the paddock with Spirit and Maximus. I owe my life to Spirit

Going over multiple jumps on Finnegan with my eyes closed, feet out of the stirrups and arms raised and spread out in the air. It felt like I was flying.

That time I had a connection with the giraffe at the Toronto zoo

Walking up the steps of my college for the first time I visited it with mom and dad beside the bangle lancers

Fireworks in Trenton

Singing ‘say it ain’t so’ at karaoke at the Oasis

The last night we were in Annie the musical and the after party.

Sledding at the ballpark

The thunderstorm and talking to Jared on skype.

The thunderstorm when I lived with Michelle, and us drinking tea on the porch.

Evolve.

The ovens.

First Sasquatch.

The redwoods.

Walking through the ocean in New Brunswick.

Waterside.

Amanda Marshall concert.

Our lady peace during the concert in Hali.

Singing and dancing on some empty stage at NSSSA.

Belting out head and the heart on the Amalfi Coast.

Playing the harmonica at the hostel we stayed at one new years.

Slam dunk your junk green day cover band.

Gramma’s house with Kathleen with the trampoline and book about carrots.

Me, Kathleen and Fernando going outside one early morning in the fog and there were the prettiest halflingers next door.

Falling in love.

Seeing Jeremy & Gerald at the drive-inn

Playing manhunt in my neighborhood

Whiskey Rivers

October 15, 2016

I want to feel alive. I am so hungry. I need to find purpose and a deeper meaning to my life. This hunger keeps me locked inside of my own head. It’s complicated and it’s maddening. I need to harness this part of me so that I still get satisfaction out of life without this constant nagging feeling that there is something bigger out there. That’s a lot of pressure. How am I supposed to enjoy the day to day when I measure myself against people who have dedicated their lives to a deeper purpose? Jared jokes about me being a perfect candidate for a midlife crisis and he’s right. All of the ingredients are there. At this rate someday I am going to wake up and wonder at what the fuck I’ve done with my life. I’ll count down the years as I always do and realize I have too little left in terms of time and I’ll skyrocket into insanity. Hopefully it won’t be anything more than a boob job, ridiculous speed car and unlikely hobby like drumming. But anyone who knows me deep from the very beginning I was destined to run away to Africa, give up everything material in life and drink Tony Robbin’s Kool-aid (SOMEONE, ANYONE, DON’T LET ME DRINK HIS KOOL-AID!!!!) cause that’s the kind of person I am, that’s my midlife crisis and I’m on the fast track there if I can’t find a way to fill my bucket in a more reasonable way.

And here’s the crazy thing… there’s some real irony to who I am. My decisions have been driven by a deep seeded fear of financial instability. Yeah, that’s right. My whole heart can picture myself deep in mid-life crisis in some obscure part of Africa living a simple and selfless life, but my decisions are driven by money. And while I don’t think I’m really very materialistic (although, I got a bit lost in Calgary for a while keeping up with the Joneses… I think I’m coming back to myself again now), but this fear was rooted watching my parents fight over money constantly and my mother always commenting on what other people had and what we didn’t. I want to be happy without worrying about maintaining my financial freedom that I currently have, but it’s hard to shed something that has been a part of me since childhood. “Financial freedom” shackles me. I think it keeps me from being who I want to be. It’s preventing me from taking risks. It’s controlling my decisions. It’s blocking my dreams.

So I’m trying to rebuild myself. Like I said, I want to feel alive. So many days go by in a blur and dealing with depression means there’s a lot of grey and darkness. I’ve been thinking about things that have made me feel alive in the past. You know that feeling where you have the chills, adrenalin is pumping, you’ve got goosebumps,  and you have so much energy you want to run up and down your street and just scream with pure joy. By the way, I’ve done that. When I was 14. Picture lanky awkward me running up and down my tiny residential street with a maniac smile on my face probably singing or something like that… I wasn’t popular in school. I’ve always been a weirdo. But that feeling is awesome! Sometimes you’re walking on the line of sheer craziness and letting go is exhilarating.

There’s no rhyme or reason as to why my flip suddenly switches. I just want hold onto that feeling of being alive. Really alive. I want to build myself back into a healthy and happy human. I want to dig deep and find my authentic self. I want to practice mindfulness, gratitude, respect, patience and kindness. I want to let go of the fear of losing money, losing face in front of people I don’t even care about, and of pleasing any and all other people.

I’ve been taking little steps towards that. I deleted facebook. I know, that sounds so miniscule in the grand scheme of things but baby steps. Maybe someday I will cut out other things that make me superficial and other things that make me sedentary like trash tv, Instagram and magazines. I’ve been focusing on self-development and self-growth. When I think about the things that fill my bucket I think growth and giving is a big part of that and that hasn’t been a priority in my life.

I want to volunteer again, I want to grow in all the ways – I want to grow my practice in mindfulness and my search in finding myself and my meaning, and I also want to grow in knowledge of things that really matter versus the shit I am currently addicted to like facebook posts and random lists about celebrities.

I also want to remember and honour my experience from when I was in an abusive relationship. That propelled me to greatness if only for a little bit. In the face of crisis I believe we truly have the opportunity grow and expand and break through all barriers. As I healed from my experience I also found deep satisfaction and inspiration in my desire to help other women who had similar experiences. Nothing ever came from that. I want to change that. There is an untapped talent there that I can offer this world and while it’s not Africa and it’s not making radical changes to the world to save the environment (my grade 4 self had some brilliant ideas in that arena!!), but it’s a step in the right direction. I want to uncover the girl who wanted to save the world before I got overwhelmed and walked away from that ambition. I do want to make a difference in my own life and in yours.

It all fell down

December 12, 2015

I spend at least 8 hours a day failing.

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I come from a background of not being good at anything. So when I found I was suddenly successful in a career I stumbled into I finally found validation and something to be proud of. My income level and professional self became the one driving factor behind my confidence. But then I took a promotion in mid September. My ‘successful’ career had already become so stale, but staying the path is fueled by an income level I’m sad to say I’m addicted to. However, this promotion has all validation and what little dignity I thought I had left dissipating into deep and dark depression.

I am overwhelmed. I am drowning in self-hatred. I am losing everything. I don’t know what I’m doing. Every day I’m failing. Every day I’m falling behind in the race.

But how do I escape? I am my income, my income is me. What am I without it? I came from a poor family and had no expectations of ever raising above. I grew up in fear that I too wouldn’t be able to provide for myself. Now that I’m doing it I don’t know how to take the risk of losing my financial independence.

But if I don’t take that risk and walk away from a career that is killing me I think I’ll lose myself completely.

I spend at least 8 hours a day of failing and then I find myself hyper-sensitive to any form of criticism outside of my work life. I want to scream! I just spent so many hours failing and hating myself that one last tiny comment will topple the already unbalanced scale.

8 hours + a day of failing. Of feeling completely helpless and stupid and insufficient. That might gives me 16 hours left to exercise, sleep, get caught up on fixing stupid things I did at work all day, to be a friend, to be a fiancee, to connect with family, to take care of my beautiful puppy, to feed myself… to do all of the other things that pile up in day to day life. Things every normal person can do  without issue! And I don’t know how to manage any of these things. Time is running away on me. And the worst part is I feel so broken down by my work day that I come home and I’m not sure how to do anything beyond sleeping and shutting my mind off.

Truly, I’m not living anymore. I’ve been struggling with staggering depression since September. A friend told me that people like me are too smart to be satisfied with just a large pay cheque and stagnant life style. I think she’s so sweet for saying so, but I don’t remember the last time anyone including myself saw me as smart. Every day loved ones remind me of simple things that I do wrong or could do better. I don’t know how to be anything better than what I already am. I can’t improve. I’m just going to fade away forever.